shit sucks.
i got an unmarked envelope today that turned out to be a thick stack of incoherent messages from my abusive father. it was spread across a bunch of notecards and torn paper like it was a ransom note. as expected, there was no apology or any remorse for the decades of physical violence and neglect. just an “i forgive you for your mental health problems :)” and a “it's kind of funny that you call me shoving you down the stairs because 12 year old you wandered away while doing the dishes abuse because you have no problem doing the dishes now.”
you don't miss me. you don't care about my wellbeing. you just want a pet monkey. not a single “how are you” or “i'm sorry” or “i'm proud of you” just a “you want to get back in touch, don't you. i'll graciously accept a zoom call since you're too mentally ill to drive”
my friends are rightfully worried and i appreciate them all, but i sincerely don't know what will make this better since i've never been listened to or cared for. what do secure people do when they're sad and scared? stress eating and drugs and distracting myself with games until i compartmentalize are all i have.
maybe i shouldn't have destroyed the letter, maybe i should have brought it to the cops. i give them too many chances.